SLAMMATOWN: Don't worry he's not dead yet

I’ve been writing myself notes with a pen that plays the French National Anthem. This pen features flashing lights and has a miniature Eiffel Tower floating in glitter water. Ordinarily this is not the kind of pen I prefer but I’m making an exception because my Dad bought it for me in Paris. He also gave me pyjamas, a sleep mask and a miniature tube of toothpaste he got for free on the plane. My Dad is not very good with souvenirs but he does have his good points.


One of those good points is the element of surprise...

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I shot the cat with a water pistol because the sandwich was mine

You should have seen the sandwich I just ate. Magnificent! You could even say that this makes me científico sensacional, oh yes, I'm so good at spreading mustard science has fallen to its knees. It might not ever be able to stand again, I'm very sorry about that. I know some people like science or even use it for work, like rocket scientists, or cat scientists, or just plain old boring scientists with no rockets or cats.

SLAMMATOWN - This might be just a little familiar, sorry about that

 First I should tell you my house is named The Peach, it is moderate in size and temperature. I was stealing my fellow Peachette Grizelda's sample packet of Weet-Bix, terrible but true, with a crazed and starved look on my face and a jar of honey in my left hand when the horror first revealed itself. The Weet-Bix was alive! Hiding in the heart of each bick was a wriggling mass of tiny worms*. I've seen the tiny worms before but this is the first time I considered eating them.

You see I've reached a depraved place called 'shall I buy groceries or pay the rent?’.

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Lyndal Irons will sneak up on you

Photo of Madam Squeeze by Lyndal Irons

When I die I hope Lyndal takes photos at the funeral, they'll be awesome, like all her photos are, except for the one she sent me where I'm staring like a crazy lady, but I don't suppose that is her fault. I've sorted out someone to impersonate me at my funeral, next I'll make a mixtape. Maybe I'll wait a few years and see if any more good songs come out.

Click here to visit Lyndal's website.

A day in the life of Dale Slamma at her thankfully part-time job of corporate doom and oppression

I work.

I suffer.

SLAMMATOWN - No Guns For You

Four years ago two things happened, I moved to Sydney and my friend Spencer banned me from owning a gun. Spencer's announcement came out of the blue. We'd been sitting in his lounge room, which was on the front lawn at the time, drinking bad red wine and talking about nothing at all when he announced, 'out of all the people I know you are the one person who should never own a gun'.

Spencer's announcement puzzled me exceedingly. I have never wanted to buy a gun. I don't even know how to get a gun, apart obviously from joining Team Zissou on the Belafonte where all team members are supplied with uniforms, wetsuits and glocks.

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