Friday, 30 April 2010

Confession of a horrified cupboard thief and the unexpected cost of barcodes or Empire of The Peach

I was stealing Grizelda's sample packet of Weet-Bix, terrible but true, with a crazed and starved look on my face and a jar of honey in my left  hand when the horror first revealed itself. The Weet-Bix was alive! Hiding in the heart of each bick was a wriggling mass of tiny worms*. I've seen the tiny worms before but this is the first time I considered eating them.

You see I've reached a depraved place called 'shall I buy groceries or get a barcode for PAN magazine?'. There are some excellent arguments for both options. If PAN magazine has a barcode then it can be sold properly in shops, just like a real magazine. If I buy groceries then I don't steal worm-ridden Weet-Bix sample packs and consider eating the worms**.

I've seen people eat worms before, in Empire of The Sun, a nifty movie about my paternal grandparents.*** In this movie people are taken from a party to a POW camp and served worm food. They eat the worms because the doctor says there is protein in cupboard worms. If my ancestors could eat cupboard worms then so can I.

And that is the story about how the unexpected cost of barcodes increased the usual amount of protein found in stolen Weet-Bix sample packets in the Empire of The Peach. Now all I have to do is confess my crime to Grizelda.



* The pupal stage of the Evil Cupboard Moth.
** Yes, I know 'worms' is not the correct word but I don't really care. You can blame science if you like.
*** Is actually true.

Monday, 26 April 2010

The bastards were all wearing trousers

And now from the interesting world of marching bands comes a Dale Slamma exclusive.

Don’t bother sending me flowers, I am always going to love marching bands more than I love you and I don’t care who knows about it. If there’s one day of the year it is good to be a fan of marching bands it is ANZAC Day. The city goes mad with them, traffic is stopped, old men rock up in suits and nannas drink beer in the gutter. I declare it to be the best day of the year.

Syncopated drumbeats echo off the skyscrapers and everybody is drunk from sunrise. All ordinary business is suspended and the city points itself at the parade like furniture around a television. If there’s something better than rock it’s got to be marching bands. If you ever wondered why music was harnessed as a weapon of war then you’ve never seen a band on parade.

Continue reading....

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Um, please

I'd definitely be doing this if I was any kind of artist, even the bad kind.

Donate an artwork to PAN magazine!

To donate an Artwork to PAN magazine make us a mind-blowing painting, drawing or sculpture. We’ll 
love you for it, I promise... All donated works will be exhibited at PAN magazine’s fundraiser on the 26th of June at The Red Rattler and sold to raise funds to help with printing costs of issue #1.

continue reading...

Tuesday, 6 April 2010