Thursday, 7 May 2009

Drink until your gums bleed and the cake rises

I didn't think it would be a problem until the fourth long swallow hit the back of my throat in a poisonous wave. I stood frozen to the spot, bottle of gin vertical and clamped between my lips. I had a vague notion to tip myself upside down and run the clear contents back into the bottle but gravity and handstand peristalsis are in constant opposition.

I walked past a bottle of gin while I was baking a chocolate cake. I got the notion to pour it down my throat so I did, not all of it, but enough to make a difference to the appearance of my shampoo. I'd never noticed that the moment before I mash the handful of shampoo onto the top of my head is a beautiful one. My shampoo is opaque and iridescent. A melted handful of mother-of -pearl more lovely for being unexpected.

The gin still tastes like poison, after the potatoes, after the cake so I washed my sheets and washed my hair. I brushed my teeth until my gums bled like Mary but my eyes remained dry. Tomorrow I'll try something different.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

So you're an alcoholic now?

Dale Slamma said...

Ah. No. Tool.

Creamboy said...

Oh dear! I'm just glad you didn't get that urge while walking past a bottle of metho, or lye.

R said...

"I had a vague notion to tip myself upside down and run the clear contents back into the bottle but gravity and handstand peristalsis are in constant opposition."

My Gawd, that's brilliant.

Dale Slamma said...

Creamboy: I'm glad too. It could have been anything really, toothpaste, catwormer, olive oil, washing up liquid etc.

R: In hindsight I think it was more stupid than brilliant but I'm glad you liked the words.

Anonymous said...

gin is awesome
you are such an elitist

spencer.

Dale Slamma said...

Spencer you made me snort coffee through my nose and onto my cat. I was impressed but the cat wasn't.