Now it is all undone. Elliot was right, the centre cannot hold. I have unravelled us from something into only tangles. He has gone mad. He has gone mad and now he won’t come home. I have been struggling for breath. Days and days passed where I sobbed and vomited and tried and tried just to force air through me and live.
Twice since then I have slept in the arms of the other man. The other man that I love and love and love unfathomably.
This morning we lay stoned on his bed dozing and hugging then wanking and he said I don’t have any condoms or I’d fuck you if you wanted. And there was a condom in my backpack. I put it there despite saying I’d stay over but no shagging. Because I knew that it didn’t matter what, I wanted him inside me, I wanted him to fuck me into oblivion. We spent the night together again. Skin on skin curled inside his strength and his weight. I discovered that when I’m on top our bodies just fit together. I discovered that whilst wearing underpants and he was wearing underpants and he was biting my breasts and holding my hips and I could feel his dick pressing and pressing at me. But no fucking. One of these days. One of these days I will gather my courage and say Fuck Me. Fuck Me Now. Fuck Me Hard Fuck Me Furious and turn yourself loose, turn yourself wild, turn yourself savage and fuck me. But today was not that day.
Where do I go from here. Alone. I am alone rattle walking round and round this big house with all of our seven year things in here staring at walls and sitting blankly for hours breathing in and out reams of smoke. I am all cigarettes. I am all cigarettes and empty air. One moment at a time, praying for strength to lift the despair enough to eat or to tidy or to get out the front door and go to work.
The time before last when I slept in his bed he fist fucked me and stuck his fingers up my arse and rubbed my clit all at once and bit tracks across my breasts and ran his hands across my chest and said I’m going to come here and here and here but then he went looking for condoms in Max’s room and ten minutes later I found him sitting in the shower. Puddled. He couldn’t find any condoms and then he felt sick. It is futile.
In the morning he spooned behind me and rubbed his erection in my arsecrack and held me tight and breathed into my neck and we rocked together until he came. Selfish intimacy.
I don’t know where to from here. I am slowly gathering strength and courage. I can face the thought of one day at a time now. This day I have spent in reverie and comfort in Elliot’s bed in his arms in silence and companionship. This day I was safe. This evening I will cook myself something. I must and I will cook myself something. I will have a shower. I will eat vegetables with my dinner.
Twice since then I have slept in the arms of the other man. The other man that I love and love and love unfathomably.
This morning we lay stoned on his bed dozing and hugging then wanking and he said I don’t have any condoms or I’d fuck you if you wanted. And there was a condom in my backpack. I put it there despite saying I’d stay over but no shagging. Because I knew that it didn’t matter what, I wanted him inside me, I wanted him to fuck me into oblivion. We spent the night together again. Skin on skin curled inside his strength and his weight. I discovered that when I’m on top our bodies just fit together. I discovered that whilst wearing underpants and he was wearing underpants and he was biting my breasts and holding my hips and I could feel his dick pressing and pressing at me. But no fucking. One of these days. One of these days I will gather my courage and say Fuck Me. Fuck Me Now. Fuck Me Hard Fuck Me Furious and turn yourself loose, turn yourself wild, turn yourself savage and fuck me. But today was not that day.
Where do I go from here. Alone. I am alone rattle walking round and round this big house with all of our seven year things in here staring at walls and sitting blankly for hours breathing in and out reams of smoke. I am all cigarettes. I am all cigarettes and empty air. One moment at a time, praying for strength to lift the despair enough to eat or to tidy or to get out the front door and go to work.
The time before last when I slept in his bed he fist fucked me and stuck his fingers up my arse and rubbed my clit all at once and bit tracks across my breasts and ran his hands across my chest and said I’m going to come here and here and here but then he went looking for condoms in Max’s room and ten minutes later I found him sitting in the shower. Puddled. He couldn’t find any condoms and then he felt sick. It is futile.
In the morning he spooned behind me and rubbed his erection in my arsecrack and held me tight and breathed into my neck and we rocked together until he came. Selfish intimacy.
I don’t know where to from here. I am slowly gathering strength and courage. I can face the thought of one day at a time now. This day I have spent in reverie and comfort in Elliot’s bed in his arms in silence and companionship. This day I was safe. This evening I will cook myself something. I must and I will cook myself something. I will have a shower. I will eat vegetables with my dinner.
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