Well then, I'm now officially a post graduate student. I had thought that I would never ever study again. I figured I'd left enough of my soul on the academic altar to please the gods but it appears I was wrong. Three pieces of paper are clearly not enough. I wish to quit my job. That slipped out unannounced.
Five times today I almost grabbed my bag and fucked off out of there straight to a temporary employment agency. I didn't and in my small mind that makes me exemplary. Walking to the station this afternoon weighed down by course materials and dvd's (very odd that dvd's are also course materials) I felt an alarming feeling. I like this. I like that enrolling in a course of study suddenly gives clear shape and definition to my life. Its like a drug, permeating everything, controlling time, actions and behaviour towards others.
Am I so weak a character that an official framework like university is necessary to shape my days? Yes is the terrible answer. I must do this in addition to full time employment, I must do this at the cost of time with my manuscript, time with my own free mind, energy for undoing and redoing the bits of myself that need care. Is this what I want? No is the terrible answer but I am locked in to this. The Australia Council For The Arts is paying for this because of where I work. If I quit my job I owe Deakin University more money than I have. Pulling out of the course is not an option if I want to keep my job and I do want to keep my job because I don't have another to go to.
It is a beautiful well spun trap. I should sit with my texts and course materials and enjoy the view. Let's see if I can.
Five times today I almost grabbed my bag and fucked off out of there straight to a temporary employment agency. I didn't and in my small mind that makes me exemplary. Walking to the station this afternoon weighed down by course materials and dvd's (very odd that dvd's are also course materials) I felt an alarming feeling. I like this. I like that enrolling in a course of study suddenly gives clear shape and definition to my life. Its like a drug, permeating everything, controlling time, actions and behaviour towards others.
Am I so weak a character that an official framework like university is necessary to shape my days? Yes is the terrible answer. I must do this in addition to full time employment, I must do this at the cost of time with my manuscript, time with my own free mind, energy for undoing and redoing the bits of myself that need care. Is this what I want? No is the terrible answer but I am locked in to this. The Australia Council For The Arts is paying for this because of where I work. If I quit my job I owe Deakin University more money than I have. Pulling out of the course is not an option if I want to keep my job and I do want to keep my job because I don't have another to go to.
It is a beautiful well spun trap. I should sit with my texts and course materials and enjoy the view. Let's see if I can.
Comments
A good friend of mine continues to extend her education so she won't have to pay back her student loans. As long as she goes to school, they remain on hold indefinitely.
Brilliant.