Wednesday, 6 April 2011

SLAMMATOWN: Hire Me, Bitches

Illo by Onnie Cleary
 I’ve been applying for jobs. I could say it makes me want to tear my hair out but that would be a lie. It makes me want to go to sleep in my oldest pajamas, on my softest pillows, under my biggest blanket, and never ever wake up ever again.

I’m lucky enough to have one or two friends happy to read over some applications before I send them in. Their unanimous opinion is that I need to ‘toot my own horn’ more. The problem is applying for jobs makes me feel altogether hornless.

My professional experience includes the usual list of jobs I did just to pay the rent, a good job I fucked up, a great job I left for heartfelt reasons I can no longer remember and an erratic career path that looks more like crazy paving than the path to success. The other problem is my finer skills are unable to be politely included in any job application. I’m not talking about bedroom skills here, but the vast list of attributes that have so fixedly attached themselves to me they have become an essential part of who I am.

I’m taking this opportunity to devise a list.

Skills and attributes possessed by the very excellent and unique Dale Slamma:
  • I am very good at throwing things in the bin, first shot, no rim, all basket, from any corner of the room. This is my very mild superpower.
  • Strangers tell me their innermost secrets all the time, everywhere, for no actual reason and I don’t mean just crazy people.
  • I can drink five cups of tea in a row and suffer no ill effects.
  • My skill at deducing other people’s emotional state borders on the telepathic.
  • Last time I counted I had sixteen personal enemies.
  • I dislike Easter eggs and will not use opaque toothpaste.
  • My inability to appear intelligent when meeting someone for the first time has never before been exceeded by even the stupidest person on planet Earth.
  • I can wear starched, ironed and personally styled corporate clothes handpicked for me by the world’s best corporate stylist and still appear to be in casual dress suitable only for wearing to buy milk at the corner shop.
  • The fabric of my soul is constructed of rock and roll. No really, get a scalpel and take a peek.
  • I can cook with the best of them but choose not to, not if I can ever help it, for no reason I have ever thought of.
  • The power of my ability to crave chocolate is exceeded only by the power of my snoring.
  • You will disappoint me. Guaranteed.
First published on RHUM...

2 comments:

jsp said...

revised list:

1. I am good at defining targets.
2. I attract frankness in others, and am trustworthy.
3. I can maintain immense focus despite environmental distraction.
4. I am skilled at working in a team.
5. I have good accounting skills.
6. I have discerning taste.
7. I am able to be humble, and make others at ease.
8. I have individual style that transcends fashion.
9. On a deep personal level, I pride myself on being stable (rock) and yet able to go with the flow (roll).
10. I am good at playing to my strengths.
11. I like chocolate.
12. I am nothing if not consistent.

DS said...

Bless you JSP.