Friday, 23 January 2009

What am I made of sugar?

I am inside The Peach, melting like cheap chocolate left on a car dashboard in the sun. It seems improbable that I will ever be capable of anything but small considered movements performed in the direct blast of the electric fan.

Captain James Cook
The Pacific Ocean
Aboard the Endeavour
19th April, 1770

Dear Captain Cook,

This is an inhospitable environment for those of European descent. I was not designed for this. I am aware that one of my grandfathers is from three generations of people living in India, it also hot in India, but he is long dead and so I believe are his punkah-wallahs, although according to my calculations some of them would now be elderly people hopefully enjoying a peaceful and dignified retirement, but I digress.

Dr Karl says that a person consists of many things, including the molecules of ancestors breathed on different continents. It is my personal hypothesis that my ancestral Indian and Estonian molecules have canceled each other out, permitting me to live happily only in the most temperate of climates. Australia, as it will come to be called, does not possess a mild and temperate climate. It would also be excellent to note that this is not indeed a terra nullius, the people you see on the shoreline do in fact live here already and though they do not use the English system of Common Law do have their own system of laws. If you would take the time to learn even one of their languages and have a little chat you'll discover this and perhaps make a name for yourself as being an extraordinary forward thinker and well ahead of your time. You might like to consider penning a song called Amazing Grace to express your realisation of humanity, trust me, it'll be a hit.

This country has been called The Lucky Country and by one excellent poet The Light Continent, the poet was the more correct of the two. It is all light but it is not calm, warm and soothing. It is the blinding kind habitually used in science fiction films to depict something bad or wondrous occurring. Your English people will suffer here, they will burn, sweat, toil and become larrikins. They will play cricket and cheat on their wives, they will fail to apply adequate amounts of sunscreen and die in their thousands. They will build unsuitable buildings, be paid with rum, herd large numbers of sheep and go like lemmings to war. They will in turn cause great harm to the existing population and find themselves to be cruel, incorrect and often very stupid indeed.

Turn your ships around, I beg you, we do not belong here.

As a token of my appreciation take this hint. Hawaii, not so hot for a holiday after all.

Kind Regards
Dale R Slamma


cath said...

Nice one:-) Much giggling and damning you for making me exert,-even to laugh.
Am thinking of running away to Alaska aka Northern Exposure and being a funky independent female pilot. You're welcome to join me.

Ruby Isabella said...

I hope Captain Cook takes your advice......Then I wouldn't exist.........Therefore, I wish I didn't exist......This may explain why we have treated and continue to treat Aboriginies so apallingly and deny it is so.

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

What's better for a homeless, eighteenth-century London crimin-owl, the weather in Sydney in January or the weather in London in January? (Which question has nothing to do with your sensible point that European colonisation hasn't been good for this land, or for the people who already lived here.)

Dale Slamma said...

London, nice and cold, just like it should be, or they could always go for the reverse existence option then no matter the weather everything would be grand, I think...