Saturday, 2 August 2008

Emu Plains and the mystery of missing Superman

This is terrible. I have been awake for about an hour, I am reporting to you from Superman's house. Its nearly ten am on Saturday morning and Superman is nowhere to be found. He got up in the middle of the night and did not return. I was awake enough to know that someone was making the sound of footsteps on a mattress then I rolled over and made attempt number five hundred and twelve to become comfortable.

It took me some time to work up the courage to leave the blankets and find the toilet. I wasn't sure just how cold this floor was going to feel under my feet. I knew where the toilet was so I set about navigating there. I'm staying in a room that opens directly off the kitchen, odd place for a bedroom. The kitchen here at Emu is almost supernaturally clean, in fact the whole house, hang on, I'm going to go and run my fingers along some furniture. No dust! The insides of the kitchen cupboards are organised with military precision, if tupperware ladies were the military, that would explain quite a few things I think.

I spent half an hour searching for coffee this morning. I found tea and green tea which is nice but its not fucking coffee. I have no idea where the nearest cafe would be. I had a look out the front and am sorry to report that I am surrounded, houses, cars, front lawns, children riding bikes with sunshine on their fucking shoulders, not one of these things produces coffee.

My next mission is to investigate as to whether I will be able to leave the house and then let myself back in. There is no sign of Superman's keys, his car is here but not his keys, his stuff is all here, in fact I am looking at this wallet. I might try and sneak out into the backyard for a cigarette.

There's a door that opens directly from the bedroom to the backyard. There is no grass in the backyard, its a paved paradise with three separate seating areas, a swimming pool and a bbq all surrounded by immaculate tropical gardens. I found the macadamia tree but not having a hammer nor a pocket oven ate no macadamia nuts. A cat named Casserole bailed me up by the clothes line where I was sucking down a cigarette in the sunlight. The sun always shines stronger out at Emu.

There are three doors from the backyard into the house, the cat showed me which one was unlocked and contained both cat bowl and cat food. I fed the cat but he did not produce any coffee. There are six doors from the room with the kitchen in it. I went through all six but still did not find any coffee. There are a series of closed doors at the end of a hallway but I'm not game to go through them, the cat looked at me wisely when I informed him of my decision. It is possible that Superman is behind one of the doors but that's only a possibility.

I'm considering going next door with a mug and begging for a spoonful of instant coffee. I'm considering changing out of my pyjamas and Superman's old man slippers but I'm not sure that would make it any more likely for the unknown neighbour to produce a spoonful of coffee. I tried phoning Rita for advice on where to look for coffee. Rita did not answer the phone. I was pretty sure that Ronita has them up at the crack of dawn each day but just maybe she's old enough to have figured out Saturdays.

I'm thinking about going home. This here is a no good situation. There is no fucking coffee in here, the toliet wall does not reach all the way to the ceiling and I have no idea where to look for a clean towel just in case I wanted to shower. The food is unidentifiable in its military containers. I'm cold, hungry, my back hurts from the strange bed and Superman is nowhere to be found. Here are my coordinates, organise a sky hook.


Anonymous said...

Glad to be of assistance in such circumstances.

I miss my cat!

cath said...

I hope you find Superman eventually. Being stuck in Emu with no coffee is scary. Mind you, it's only about a 20 minute walk to the train, so you have an escape possibility. Very very mysterious all in all.

Dale Slamma said...

The cat spent a great deal of time talking to me, he said a great number of important things.

I found the coffee via telephonic navigation. I made coffee and then I drank it. Superman reappeared after leaping several tall buildings but he's modernised, he keeps his underpants under his pants and the cape is nowhere to be seen.