Maybe just maybe I am fine with this

on
Or not. I haven't decided, maybe we weren't doing it right. No, that's not what I mean. I am confused by the absence of confusion. Before, or rather towards the beginning it was decided between us that we could do this without hurting each other. I said I'm not looking for anything other than friendship and as I said it I was astonished at the clarity of my meaning. I am not looking for anything other friendship with this man, right now. I love him, this is beyond doubt but it is not the fickle love that comes and goes with haircuts or seismic shifts.

I am astonished to find myself calmly sitting here after leaving him on King St with the dreaded Mr X. I whizzed myself off to the aquarium to spend a few hours with friends staring at fish as it was too rainy for the zoo. I am astonished that today I have no more words.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Maybe we should have bought you a cupcake. Hope your brain stops making seal noises at itself. Aaaarrrp. Aaaarrrp.
19/08/2007, 18:37
Anonymous said…
I'm sorry i could not answer your telepathic scream for a serious conversation today, maybe another time soon.
19/08/2007, 18:42
DS said…
Don't be silly. It was a joy to spend some hours with you and your lovely baby oohing over the pretty fish. I hope I wasn't emanating vibes of oddness.
19/08/2007, 22:18
Anonymous said…
No more vibes of oddness than usual. Actually, I do recall you oohing over the pretty fish too.
Dale, go on, I dare you. Get a fish tank.
Or don't. And we'll get you one for your birthday.
19/08/2007, 22:42
DS said…
I always used to have a fish tank in fact I had one from when I was nine and I got a fish bowl until last year when I lost custody of Holiday the goldfish to Artboy, Celebrate the goldfish had already died thus ruining the entire effect of singing Holiday, Celebrate every morning.
19/08/2007, 23:25
DS said…
Now that I think about it. No. I am not fine with this. I make a lot of mistakes but at least I haven't sold my clothes to the state. I need yet another shot at redemption. I need a reversal of time. I need to go back, way back to 1977 and grab that baby by the ankles and smack its fucking head against the wall until it smashes.
20/08/2007, 00:06
Gemnastics said…
Ah, we will both return to '77 together, and though I will not let you smash the babies, I will help you pick them up and put them on the Path Of No Mistakes. Don't wanna end up a cartoon in a graveyard for the aforementioned.
20/08/2007, 00:25
DS said…
Want to smash the babies!
Ha ha. I am ridiculous but maybe its more amusing that way.

Actually we could time travel and maybe make a few minor adjustments here and there. I could randomly appear to myself as a child and say positive self-esteem building things then maybe I would be super duper by the time I got to now. Or I could deposit my tiny savings into a trust account for myself. Or I could buy and preserve jeans and find them today and sell them for millions of dollars.
20/08/2007, 10:50
Gemnastics said…
I'd be happy just to tell myself not to move to Melbourne because everything will go wrong. No, actually, I would say 'move to Melbourne but don't kiss the round-faced poet.' I've a feeling things would have been really different if I'd been able to tell myself that.
20/08/2007, 19:26
DS said…
OK and I will say to myself steer well clear of that bass clarinetist, he will turn into an artboy and fuck you over heart and soul and also the one before that and the one before him and of course when Elliot's resume hits my desk I will set the fucking thing on fire and I will never properly meet him. Ever.
20/08/2007, 22:10
Anonymous said…
And if you, years ago, were told this by you, now, you would have said to your older self "fuck off crazy lady I have a sense of uneasy familiarity towards. You're freakin' me out!"
If only we could become the people we are, without the hurts that have helped made us. To have the experience without the experiences.
Hang in there.
20/08/2007, 23:47
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