Gold leader we have a problem, there are two Dale For A Days, I repeat two Dales today.

Dale For A Day by Gempires.

Since Dale Slamma has been a guest blogger on Gempires it is only fitting that Gempires shall now be guest blogger on Dale Slamma. And since Dale is The Captain, the theme of this post shall be Dale.

I imagine Dale sometimes. When I am imagining Dale she is almost always in one of two places - in her home, which I have never been to and therefore must invent for my mind; or on King Street, Newtown, which I know very well.

When I imagine Dale at home she is always having a cup of tea and a cigarette. I have almost no doubt that she keeps an ashtray by her laptop in her room, though she has never mentioned this. I sometimes wonder what she means by 'cup of tea.' I know she likes 'a cup of tea and a little sit down' (a favourite saying of hers, and it brings me the comfort of a soft mother in slippers) but we all have our different versions of 'cup of tea.' I mostly assume it is milky black tea with one sugar, but perhaps she is more inclined toward chamomile, or ginger? At any rate I know she uses soy milk because cow boobs have the wrong juice for her constitution, and so they should, as she is not a calf.

When I imagine Dale on King Street she is often standing in the gelato shop looking at the flavours and chatting to the person who spoons her fig sorbet into a cup. We have never clarified which gelato place she goes to, so while I suspect it may be the one opposite the supermarket (which was once a Woolworths, then an IGA, but I believe is now a Franklins) for some reason I always picture her at the one on the corner of Wilson Street. She always chooses a cup over a cone. I do not know why I have decided this.

My favourite place to imagine Dale is in her kitchen. I associate her kitchen with lots of wooden things - I am strangely comforted by wooden things: their look, their feel, their sound, their solidness - and in reveries I watch her eat from small wooden bowls at a dark wood table with walls that are half wood, much like you would find in an alpine cabin. I am not sure why I associate her with wood but I suspect it is because there is something calming about Dale. She seems to keep it together. If you drop something wooden it does not shatter.

I don't often imagine Dale at the stove. I think she is more of a sandwich and toast person. I do picture her at cafes with cake, I think she has mentioned cafes with cake, and since I have known Dale and have been reading her words I find myself thinking about cake much more often. This is a dangerous thing because I live so close to Acland Street in St Kilda which is famous for its proliferation of amazing cake shops with full window displays of tantalising tarts. I decided once that if Dale ever came to visit we would definitely have cake.

I think I knew Dale in a previous life. She seems exactly...something. Exactly right, I think is the best way to put it. Like, if I could have invented a person, I'd have made Dale Rockin' Slamma. For this reason, and she knows this, I feel like I have always known her.

And I hope I get to be guest blogger!


Dale For A Day by Anonymous.

"Look, it's on again!" he exclaimed, barely able to contain his excitement.

"What?"

"Dale For A Day" Day!

She put down the newspaper and troddled over to the computer screen. "Damn," she thought, not giving voice to the word, lest the Parrot hear it and pick up another curse to add to his ever-growing repertoire.

"You know, the last time she did this, I had a brilliant, and I mean absolutely FUC--" she paused again, thinking of the bird. "I mean it was a bloody BRILLIANT post all ready to go, and some wanker beat me to it. I trashed the thing, you know."

"I know".

Her curiosity got the best of her. Again. "What's the theme this time?"

"Write something about me or to me or berating me or praising me or hating me; I don't care which and I will pick the one I react most strongly to, whether that is negative or positive."

"Oh hell, that's easy. I can think of several things off the top of my head." She rattled through them silently:

• Dale is hot, but tries to hide it with photos that make her look tired and haggard. Heh, that hits both "berate and praise", doesn't it?
• Dale is a helluva writer
• Dale is brutally honest with her readers and holds nothing back
• Dale is frequently incomprehensible until you've read the post twelve times. Then you realize she's a freaking genius.
• Dale is the object of fantasy for both men and women (that should raise a few eyebrows")!

"Fuck it. I'm not sending it in."

"Why not?"

"I can't take another rejection. Do you realize how hard I worked on the last one? I had a minute-by-minute account of her day all plotted out, and everything had a Beatles reference!"

He sighed and turned away.

"Well, maybe. I'll think about it. Where's that 'send' button?"