What poison is this?

In my mind Elliot has turned into my worst nightmare. In my mind instead of the warm, funny and awkwardly selfish man I count as a dear friend he has turned into something else. I don't know why things like this happen. I think it is the silence. In the spaces between the limited communication allowed by rehab rules some poison spins into deadly gas and I cannot think with slow perfect reasoning. My mind spins faster until some new horror manifests into emotion. I don't understand what I am doing or how to stop.