This is what I get

I am trying so hard not to be angry. I am trying so hard not to break myself a new batch of grief. It all boils down to this. I loved, I lost.

Artboy told me on the phone this evening that he still cares, he misses me being part of his life but he is trying to sort himself out. He said he is still sorting himself out and he doesn't know what to do or even if he should do anything.

Well press my pause button. He doesn't know what to do. Big surprise. I don't know what to do, real actual literal surprise. He begged to be able to call me again. I said yes. I said yes even though it is the stupidest thing I could have done because he hurts me. He is all thorns and sharp-edged chains on my tender wrists. I need to work out what to do. I need to work out how to stop this hurting. I wish I never met him. I wish he'd been run over by a truck. I wish he'd suicide bombed a hole through my chest cavity and I died in pieces on my lounge room floor. I wish he never existed. I wish I'd taken one long look at him and thought, no, not you. I wish there was a way to erase love out of existence. I wish my heart would finally shrivel and die because I can't take any more love. Not one more poisonous drop.

Comments

Gemnastics said…
These are things I would like to have said, but you said them better.